think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
