I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize