The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
