fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize