Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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