the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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