I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
