I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
