I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
