I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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