i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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