So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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