He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Randomize
