what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize