I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
