Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize