Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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