Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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