Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
