This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
