i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
