I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Vodka?
Forever.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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