Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
