Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
