i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
