Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
