Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I look better un-naked...
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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