i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
