I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
There's always time for handjobs
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
