Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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