When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
