Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
