it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
