Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize