someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just blew my weed a kiss
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
