maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
