He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
