It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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