someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
