saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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