My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
