I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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