Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
