Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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