White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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