If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
