I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
