don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
