someone threw a dead crab at me
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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