Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
