I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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