Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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