My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize