i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
