just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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