The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
