Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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