I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
this hospital has no fireball
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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