saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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