my mouth tastes like poor choices
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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