omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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