i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
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