He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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